Questions of Grace...

Why do I feel so alone when I know that my creator is right next to me?
Why is it that I had a wonderful weekend and the Lord spoke not only to middle schoolers but to me as well and right when I entered my dorm room I started to cry?
Why does it take all that is in me to turn to my Father when I am in need?
Why do I blame Him for my best friend leaving me to serve Him?
Why am I selfish about all things in my life?
Why can't I see what the Lord has made when I look in the mirror?
Why do I see the need to always be happy when infront of others?
Why do I go into a small state of depression when things in my life change?
Why cant I trust in relationships?
Why cant I love me for me?
Why do I deserve His grace?
Why do I deserve a Father who saves?
Why does He love me so much when I dont deserve His love?
Why does my heart ache?
Why cant i understand the meanings for the things in my life?
Why cant i turn away from anxiety and worry?
Why cant I give my fears completely unto the Lord?
Why do things always have to go my way, when I know they should be His?

I know these questions are different and weird but these are what I have asked myself tonight. I have realized that no one has said that life is going to be full of Daisy's and sunshiny days. I was a leader on a middle school fall retreat this past weekend and sometime through out the week I will share more about the weekend I promise, but this weekend was wonderful and God is good but what I question is why do I feel His presence inside of me but still have all of these questions? The one who is trying to steal, kill, and destroy is taking over my thoughts and before this weekend I would have blamed it all on the evil one but what I have learned is it all my fault. I am the one who decides whether or not I am going to let Satan control me. I am in the middle of some serious soul renovation. I am scared. I know the Lord is doing some serious things in my life right now and I have come to realize that me asking questions is my way towards growing deeper in my Lord God. I want to make a difference for the kingdom and the only way to do that is to listen to Him, Study Him and His word daily, grieve my pain but still trusting that the Lord is soverign and things will be okay. They may not have turned out the way you wanted but all that matter is that they turned out the way he wanted and that He shall be praised. I think everyone should write down their questions they ask God almost daily. They are not always going to be pretty and some of them can be kind of scary in fact but I think growing stronger in the Lord is not always seeing what is colorful in your life but what is grey. I want the Lord to show me who I have really been and I want to change. I want to depend myself with Him and not with others. I want to honestly know that things are going to be okay. You know I prayed the other night that the Lord would renovate my heart and show me my wrong ways and lead me to His right ways, when I was praying this I knew things were going to get ugly in my heart and my emotions and things mentally might go crazy but what I didnt know at the time was that it was my decision to allow Him to take control when times of pain and grief and sorrow or if I wanted the evil one to stop me from letting Him help me. Word of advice...if you ever decide to pray a prayer like that then you better be prepared for some crazy emotions some dark days. The Lord is mighty and I do trust that. Last night I watched the movie Prince of Egypt with some of my 6th grade girls on the retreat. First that is one of my favorite movies because Moses is my favorite story in the Old Testament, but anyways as I watched this movie for the hundrenth time I watch these girls who were in amazement of the parting of the red sea and the power of God through is people(but like I said I will post on the weekend another time) the reason I brought up this movie is because of a certain song that is sung in the end when Pharoah tells Moses that the Hebrews are free. I have always loved this song but it stook out to me last night and has been in my mind all day. have you noticed songs are the way the Lord speaks to my heart a lot of the times. I need to believe with my whole heart not just a part of it. The words in this song are so beyond powerful , God sure is good and He knows how to get into my heart. I am sorry if this blog is a little different but it is my heart and this blog is for me to express my feelings into words and if you know me at all that is a scary and exciting thing i know I am a bit random and scattered brained also this blog is about my spiritual walk with my Lord Jesus Christ.

"Many nights we pray
With no proof anyone could hear
And our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understand
Now we are not afraid
Although we know theres much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we know we could
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill
Who know what miracle
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
And now I am standing here
My hearts so full I cant explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought Id say
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frailIts hard to kill
Who know what miracles
When you believe
Somehow you will You will when you believe
They dont always happen when you ask
And its easy to give in to your fear
when youre blinded by your pain
Cant see you way safe through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
Its hard to kill
Who know what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe"